Thursday, April 01, 2010

Special Guest Star: Bubby!

Hey, everyone, this is Bubby!  Bubby, this is everyone.  Shake hands.

Baby + Burp Cloth + Tiny Toy Piano = One Happy Bubby

Bubby married my mom in 1998, back when his name was just plain Bruce.  We saw to it that that pedestrian moniker hit the bricks ASAP.  One day while engaging in one of his usual tantrums in response to bad driving my mom asked him "What's all the hubbub, Bub?," which my stepbrother then seconded with "Yeah, what's the hubbub, Bubby?"  And then, friends, a star was born!  Later my mom became Bubbiss, I became Bonus (because he married my mom, and I was a gift with purchase), and my stepbrother became Bud.  Yeah, we're nerds like that.

Bubbiss, Livy Bean, and Bubby

But Bubby is our nerd king.  He's a TOTAL dad, and, in the best way imaginable, I can't imagine him ever being young or cool.  He says doofy dad stuff ALL. THE. TIME.  He's not a catholic, he's a catlicker.  Someone is not a smart feller, he is a fart smeller.  And you?  If you ever, EVER cut him off on the freeway I can promise you with absolute surety and certainty that he will call you a cheese dick.

Bubby is also old-fashioned beyond being amusing in his vernacular.  He's all about integrity, that Bubby.  Even though he doesn't attend church regularly enough to be recognized when he does, when we go to mass on Christmas Eve he's always asked to man a collection plate.  Maybe those catlickers can sniff out a former altar boy without him having to identify himself explicitly, or maybe they just know a good man when they see one.  And when I was struggling with figuring out how to negotiate my various graduate school offers back in the day, specifically whether I was going to camp out on waitlists while also accepting a firm offer in the hopes of wrangling more money out of schools, he was supremely helpful.  Although people do this in spite of all rules and ethics being against it, Bubby summed up the position I was struggling so hard to articulate:  Do the right thing.  We are a family that will call someone a cheese dick, but beyond that we will do the right thing.

Fun Facts About Bubby:

*He will not eat cheese or similarly flavored or textured substances (mayonnaise, butter, salad dressing, etc.) because he had to deliver huge, moldy wheels of the stuff when he was a kid.  I've seen him wipe his tongue with a napkin when he's accidentally taken a bite of a butter cookie.  It was simultaneously sad and hilarious to see.

*The worst thing I've ever done to a human being I did to Bubby when we were in Atlantic City.  He wanted to buy a big box of saltwater taffy, and I made fun of him because saltwater taffy is a tourist universal that he can get at home.  So, he didn't get the big box and instead was shamed into getting a little box.  Now, as perpetual penance, I buy him saltwater taffy from every coastal tourist trap I visit.

*Bubby loves horrible science fiction movies, and I mean horrible.  Nonsensical, low-budget, horribly acted crap on the Syfy (It just killed me to write that) Channel?  BRING IT ON!  The nuanced, complex socio-political criticism of District 9?  Bubby declared it "different" and "interesting" before changing the subject.

*Bubby tried really hard to stick around the hospital until Olivia Lee was born.  He was in my birthing suite when I was trapped in the jacuzzi during a misguided attempt at enduring a natural childbirth.  Although he couldn't see me, he could sense my pain and fled the room when hiding in the curtains couldn't get him far enough away from the scene.  It was fine, though.  He held down the fort in the waiting room while mom and SLB were in the proverbial trenches and was happy to meet the little lady the next day.

REALLY happy to meet the little lady

*Ever the induldgent grandparent, Bubby lets Olivia lick his watch as much as she wants to.  Frighteningly, she wants to A LOT...

No other watch tastes as good as Bubby's.

... and that's why he gets such good snuggles after she's licked the flavor off of his watch.

"I love you, Grandpa!"  "I love you, watchbreath."

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