1. NO MORE THAN TWO SERVINGS OF STONE FRUIT A DAY DURING STONE FRUIT SEASON.
DANGER! DANGER! OH, GOD, DANGER!
This rule used to simply read "No more than 10 cherries a day" until the great Nectarine Incident of 2010, when it was broadened to the above. Now one medium peach, nectarine, or plum, or 10 cherries count as a serving. We are all happier about my adherence to this guideline. And by "we all," I mean the whole world.
2. JUST BECAUSE THE SHINING IS ON DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.
Although I love a menaced Shelly Duvall second only to a menaced Gwyneth Paltrow. It's not misogyny; it's just good sense.
I used to be a film student which, unexpectedly, sometimes makes me feel brave. It convinces me that I can watch scary movies because of my advanced intellect and appreciation for the cinematic form. It's not a horror movie, see? It's Kubrick. And even if it is a horror movie - excuse me, horror film - I've studied the structure, conventions, and cultural history of the genre and am impervious to the fear it expects to inspire because of these academic endeavors - excuse me, endeavours. The only problem with this rationale is that it's all a huge stinking lie and I'm a huge stinking weenie - excuse me, weenie. And the problem with The Shining in particular, aside from how much I love the movie in spite of its spookiness, is that cable programmers delight in torturing me and always seem to run it when SLB is either 1) out of town, or 2) working late every night because he is so Mighty and Important. So, time and time again I find myself watching those damned ghost girls who want to play with me forever and ever and ever, and time and time again I do not sleep all night because of them. So, technically I am allowed to watch The Shining, but not after dark or when I'll have to go to bed alone. Even then it's not such a good idea. Just writing about it now I had to pause and 1) turn on the lights on the whole first floor of the house, and 2) move so that my chair was against a wall instead of backed toward the whole, open, ghost-ridden living room. No joke.
3. NO WATCHING THE "REDEMPTION SONG" TRIBUTE TO JOE STRUMMER* WHILE INTOXICATED.
Because the only thing more embarrassing than watching this and weeping about not being able to see Joe Strummer in this life in front of our closest friends at our going-away-from-NYC party is having subsequently wept about not being able to see Joe Strummer in this life in front of my husband. Or by myself. Again and again and again. Tipsy Christina is drawn to this video like most tipsy people are drawn to contacting their exes. I know I shouldn't, and I know it'll just make me cry, but WHY DIDN'T HE STAY? WHY CAN'T I SEE HIM ONE LAST [or first] TIME? Tragic. Just tragic.
And, finally, thanks to last weekend's sleepless debacle, we have a new house rule:
4. NO WATCHING "CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES" ON TV "JUST TO MAKE FUN OF IT."
Because, even though Sharon Angela's rambling and nasally tale of a ghost that held her pinned to a metaphysical shop floor for 5-10 minutes in order to save her from being murdered in central park is hilariously told, it took an additional hour of reading first person accounts of the Great Depression in bed in order to cleanse my palate enough to turn out the light. And you know it's bad when the destitution and starvation of a nation is considered the "light" bedtime story alternative.
The house rules: Learn them. Live them. Pity my weakness that requires them.
*Seriously? "Embed removed due to request" AND the video is preceded by a commercial? That's almost as bad as the "London Calling" Jaguar commercial that used to make me yell, sweat, and lose minor bladder control. Very minor.