Saturday, December 26, 2009

Slippery Slope

So, this exists:

Which is cute and everything, especially because it is, as a celebration of the temporary, ephemeral.  It can be profoundly lovely to be big and pregnant, and that loveliness can be enjoyed in many artistic ways.  Unfortunately, not all can we washed off after use.  Because, you see, the next logical step after washable tummy art is this

And what in the hell do you do with that afterward?  It's big, it's awkward, and it's plaster, which collects dust like no one's business.  I can't wait until Niecy Nash finds one of these on Clean House and gives us viewers at home a manly, whorishly made-up arched eyebrow in disapproval.  This takes the celebration of fertility to an impractical and self-indulgent new level.  And, unfortunately, the impulse behind this albatross is fundamentally similar to the motivation for this:

And that, my friends, is a teddy bear made out of dried and stitched human placenta.  Now, before you get all culturally relativist on me and start spouting patchouli-scented undergraduate nonsense about cultures in which placentas are revered, planted, and even eaten, may I just say this:  GROSS.  Gross, gross, gross.  Gross.  It's irrefutable, so save your self-righteous breath for your American Spirits and/or bong.

So, please pregnant women, think long and hard before you paint that belly.  It's a slippery slope from body paint to placenta pals, and the world is horrific enough without afterbirth buddies.  Let your baby be the souvenir of your birth if you aren't lucky enough to have long-lasting pregnancy weight gain and postpartum stretchmarks.  Your child should be reminder enough.


danicalynn said...

I think this is a very important post. Well-done!

I was very belly proud, but I still recoiled when people, who I assume had never been pregnant (whom?), suggested I plaster cast my belly. I could barely bend over to tie my shoes, and you want me to make a mold of myself?! However, now that I'm sleeping enough to feel slightly disgusted with my post-prego body, I kinda wish I had made a cast of my flat belly before I had gotten pregnant, since it seems I'm more likely to get pregnant again than have a flat stomach again.

Jessica said...

Friends who trumpet the virtues of cultural placenta-worship? You need new friends...oh live in Seattle. Never mind. That would be like asking my friends not to drop the 'F' bomb every 10 seconds.

Mashel said...

wow, a whole new level of placental discust that I didn't know was possible. I truly thought caring for the woman who wanted to take it home and eat it was enough, but know, you have now taken me beyond....way beyond. I do not think I will recover.
You have not however done a review on the "go girl"

Christina said...

danica: remember when we were thin? me, neither.

jessica: this is why i belong on the east coast. no hassles over c-sections, failed breastfeeding, or placenta heebie-jeebies.

mashel: i am pro "go girl" in theory, but i'm such a good public pee-er that i've never needed one. the review is all yours!

Sarah said...

Umm... I just threw up at the teddy bear placenta! Gross. Gross. Wrong. Creepy. Gross.