CHONE! CHONE! CHONE!
Chone Figgins has just signed with our very own Seattle Mariners.
Now, some of you may not know how strongly I feel about Mr. Figgins even though this fact was featured earlier this year in an article in The Seattle Weekly written by the brilliant Damon Agnos. I encourage you, then, to visit the article and learn a few tips on heckling in Seattle in the process.
I have loved heckling Chone (prounounced "Shawn" by his mother and phonetically to rhyme with "bone" by me) for years, especially reminding him that "IT DOESN'T START WITH A C!" I've had so much pleasure attending games specifically to phonetically scream his name over and over again at the top of my lungs that you'd expect my daughter to look like him. Yeah, THAT much pleasure.
Who's your daddy? No. Seriously.
Now that he's a Mariner, though, our relationship is going become a lot more complicated. Obviously I can't heckle him because he's on our team, and obviously I can't quit making fun of his name because it's so funny to do so. So, what's a heckler to do?
My plan is to support Chone as vociferously as I used to deride him. "Hooray for Chone!" I will yell! "Go, Chone, go!" I will cheer!
But hear this: I will never, ever, ever pronounce that name "Shawn." Chone it is spelled, and Chone it will remain.
Now and forever. Permanently and always. Until death do us part. Amen.
(Bonus fun fact: Chone's full name is Desmond DeChone Figgins, which means he deliberately chooses his silly name every single day of his life. Desmond starts with a D, Chone. IT NEVER STARTS WITH A C.)