They are luminous, no?
And now on to the less luminous of our October doings. Dudes, I have been crazy off the resolution wagon this month. CRAZY off the resolution wagon, I tell you, and in a remarkably predictable way. I start all big projects just like this:
Step 1: Huge declaration of intent.
Step 2: Phenomenal dedication to goal.
Step 3: Minor initial success!
Step 4: Arbitrary rebellion against stated intents, sought-after goals, and achieved successes (Also known as the "SCREW YOU, I DON'T HAVE TO!" stage).
Step 5: Self-loathing hidden beneath self-deprecation, shame spiral, quitting, insane consumption of impossible amounts of sugary deliciousness.
And friends, OA reached Step 4 on October 9th, when I first began to avoid filling out my resolution chart in the evenings. I also stopped keeping my one-sentence journal in real time and resorted to retroactively batching entries, which led to a date screw up, a mystery day I don't remember at all, and an irreparable rift in the space-time continuum. Sorry about that, science!
So, shithowdyduckfuckinggoddamn, it's time to saddle back up before I slide into Step 5 and start to smell constantly and strongly of fun-sized Snickers, Nutella, and humiliation. So here's now that's going to work.
*Edit those resolutions down.
There are too many of them for me to keep them forefront in my mind without constantly checking a list, and so some of them have got to be enfolded into others or let go of entirely.
The new list of resolutions for months 1 (Energy) and 2 (Health) now consists of
1. Use energy honestly.
2. Exercise better.
3. Plug leaks.
4. Make the right effort.
5. Plan meals and snacks.
6. Weigh in.
*Take some time to make these habits regular.
It was ridiculously optimistic to think that jumping into a huge project like this and following new resolutions and goals every day would come easily and enthusiastically. Then, when it inevitably became work, I stomped my bratty little foot, screamed "Don't wanna!" and sulked in a pile of Halloween candy in the corner. Now that I know how hard these life changes are, I know that I need more time to settle into them before adding new resolutions to old. So, this month, I'm paring things down a bit and reinforcing previous goals by making November's overarching theme and single resolution be Pay Attention.
SLB works in a field where he's required to keep track of his time at work so that he knows to which clients he should bill his working hours and minutes. He complains sometimes of the burden of remaining conscious of his time when he'd rather lose himself in his work, but I think it sounds like a fantastic tool for keeping worthless distractions at bay. Continually asking "O.K., what am I doing right now, and is it what I should be prioritizing at this time?" would be irritating if you were sure to be efficiently focused on relevant tasks at all times, like my husband ALWAYS is (Have I mentioned that he's part German and part Mormon? Now imagine the discipline and ambition of both of these cultures funneled toward good instead of National Socialism and/or Manifest Destiny, and you've got SLB. The man GETS. SHIT. DONE.). But, friends, I am a flibbertigibbet, and flibbertigibbets really benefit from asking "O.K., what am I doing right now?" because so often the answer is "Stalking people I don't care about on Facebook while watching bitches hoard cheap barbecue sauce on Extreme Couponing," which, I think we can all agree, is just no way to live.
So, I am going to make November my time to pay attention and remain conscious of my goals while I go through my days. To do this right, I'm going to literally make myself uncomfortable (I almost said "take myself out of my comfort zone," but then remembered that I'd have to smack myself bloody for using such stupid and vapid cliche'd language on this esteemed platform if I did) by doing something I usually don't do: wear jewelry. I've read in various motivation and time- and task-management books and blogs about wearing a bracelet or other piece of conspicuous jewelry to remind one of one's goals. So, I've got a nice silver bracelet that sits closely enough to my wrist not to be a physical burden while still feeling foreign enough to keep me from getting too distracted from the day's stated goals.
Yes, November is going to be like a do-over for September and October. But a do-over is better than a never-done, and so I'm starting over by re-starting differently. Besides, I've had some successes (5 lbs lost, no headaches AT ALL in October, spending better time with Livy, working out harder on higher resistance levels at the gym, reading record numbers of books, etc.), and I don't want to disrespect the effort it's taken to earn them by backsliding into old, bad habits any more than I already have.
Achtung, babies. Let's get this done.