Operation Awesomepants: Look Who's Balking!

Before we begin, why don't you look at my sweet Halloween punkins?

They are luminous, no?

And now on to the less luminous of our October doings.  Dudes, I have been crazy off the resolution wagon this month.  CRAZY off the resolution wagon, I tell you, and in a remarkably predictable way.  I start all big projects just like this:

Step 1:  Huge declaration of intent.

Step 2:  Phenomenal dedication to goal.

Step 3:  Minor initial success! 

Step 4:  Arbitrary rebellion against stated intents, sought-after goals, and achieved successes (Also known as the "SCREW YOU, I DON'T HAVE TO!" stage).

Step 5:  Self-loathing hidden beneath self-deprecation, shame spiral, quitting, insane consumption of impossible amounts of sugary deliciousness.

And friends, OA reached Step 4 on October 9th, when I first began to avoid filling out my resolution chart in the evenings.  I also stopped keeping my one-sentence journal in real time and resorted to retroactively batching entries, which led to a date screw up, a mystery day I don't remember at all, and an irreparable rift in the space-time continuum.  Sorry about that, science!  

So, shithowdyduckfuckinggoddamn, it's time to saddle back up before I slide into Step 5 and start to smell constantly and strongly of fun-sized Snickers, Nutella, and humiliation.  So here's now that's going to work.

*Edit those resolutions down.

There are too many of them for me to keep them forefront in my mind without constantly checking a list, and so some of them have got to be enfolded into others or let go of entirely.

The new list of resolutions for months 1 (Energy) and 2 (Health) now consists of

1.  Use energy honestly.

2.  Exercise better.

3.  Plug leaks.

4.  Make the right effort.

5.  Plan meals and snacks.

6.  Weigh in.

*Take some time to make these habits regular.

It was ridiculously optimistic to think that jumping into a huge project like this and following new resolutions and goals every day would come easily and enthusiastically.  Then, when it inevitably became work, I stomped my bratty little foot, screamed "Don't wanna!" and sulked in a pile of Halloween candy in the corner.  Now that I know how hard these life changes are, I know that I need more time to settle into them before adding new resolutions to old.  So, this month, I'm paring things down a bit and reinforcing previous goals by making November's overarching theme and single resolution be Pay Attention.  

SLB works in a field where he's required to keep track of his time at work so that he knows to which clients he should bill his working hours and minutes.  He complains sometimes of the burden of remaining conscious of his time when he'd rather lose himself in his work, but I think it sounds like a fantastic tool for keeping worthless distractions at bay.  Continually asking "O.K., what am I doing right now, and is it what I should be prioritizing at this time?" would be irritating if you were sure to be efficiently focused on relevant tasks at all times, like my husband ALWAYS is (Have I mentioned that he's part German and part Mormon?  Now imagine the discipline and ambition of both of these cultures funneled toward good instead of National Socialism and/or Manifest Destiny, and you've got SLB.  The man GETS. SHIT. DONE.).  But, friends, I am a flibbertigibbet, and flibbertigibbets really benefit from asking "O.K., what am I doing right now?" because so often the answer is "Stalking people I don't care about on Facebook while watching bitches hoard cheap barbecue sauce on Extreme Couponing," which, I think we can all agree, is just no way to live.

So, I am going to make November my time to pay attention and remain conscious of my goals while I go through my days.  To do this right, I'm going to literally make myself uncomfortable (I almost said "take myself out of my comfort zone," but then remembered that I'd have to smack myself bloody for using such stupid and vapid cliche'd language on this esteemed platform if I did) by doing something I usually don't do: wear jewelry.  I've read in various motivation and time- and task-management books and blogs about wearing a bracelet or other piece of conspicuous jewelry to remind one of one's goals.  So, I've got a nice silver bracelet that sits closely enough to my wrist not to be a physical burden while still feeling foreign enough to keep me from getting too distracted from the day's stated goals.  

Yes, November is going to be like a do-over for September and October.  But a do-over is better than a never-done, and so I'm starting over by re-starting differently.  Besides, I've had some successes (5 lbs lost, no headaches AT ALL in October, spending better time with Livy, working out harder on higher resistance levels at the gym, reading record numbers of books, etc.), and I don't want to disrespect the effort it's taken to earn them by backsliding into old, bad habits any more than I already have.

Achtung, babies.  Let's get this done.

How It Really Went Down

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO ROOM AT THE INN?!?!"

Know This:

Friends, you're more than welcome to come to our Halloween party, but you'd better be prepared to work for your treats.

Sweeping the doormat = One pumpkin muffin or one juice box/string cheese combo.

Vacuuming the rug = Two funsize Crunch bars or half a bagel with pumpkin pie cream cheese.

Now get to work.

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Did you know that the Giant Pacific Octopus has 8 arms to hold you and 3 hearts to love you?  That explains why this specimen that's been running around our house since our Halloween party last weekend is so snuggly.

The New Hybrids

Here in the Pacific Northwest, we're all about hybrid technology.  And so, in the spirit of all things green, crunchy, and Northwesty, I give you these latest, heretofore unseen hybrids:

Behold!  The Liamoctopus!

Tentacular Spectacular!

And gaze upon the Jeliviafish!

Given her constant desire to be nakey, it's no surprise that she's a moon jelly.

If we could exploit the vast energy potential of these two hybrids we could solve the energy crisis entirely.  Scientists will continue their study of these two powerhouses as soon as naptime and snacktime are over.

Hipster Halloween Ideas

Step 1:  Dress up as Jacqueline Kennedy.  Be iconic, otherwise no one will get it, and you need them to get it for the rest of the costume to work.

Yes, this costume is widely available.  Because you know what's festive?  Having your husband murdered in your lap and then having that image of the worst moment of your life become an international icon.  I know I have no room to talk, but I will anyway.  My talk is like Jell-o; there's always room for it.

Step 2:  Sew or glue a bunch of these to your pink suit and pillbox hat.

Honey badger don't give a shit: The "That's what she said" of 2011.

Step 3:  Glory in your costume interpretation of New Pornographers' "Jackie, Dressed in Cobras."

EXTRA HIPSTER BONUS POINT 1!:

Dress up as Jackee Harry instead.

"Oooooooh Mary!"

EXTRA HIPSTER BONUS POINT 2!:  Cover yourself instead with G.I. Joe Cobra logos.

Knowing all of these references is half the battle.

Buy Me That: Caramel Apple Headband

EAT MY HEAD!

Yummers.

EEEEEEEEEEAT IT!

The Importance of Not Being Earnest

Here.  I'll toss you a cute bone for listening to all of my earnest attempts at personal development and self-improvement.  Here we are on the way to the the-ah-tah.

Our CB nicknames are Hot Mama and Little Biscuit.

Little Biscuit's not really that blurry in real life, but she never did meet a wiggle in which she didn't want to indulge.

So sometimes Hot Mama has to wrestle Little Biscuit still to get a semi-decent photo.  Thanks to Big Poppa Daddy Studmuffin, Esq., for the fine photography.  Hot Mama over and out.

OA Month 2: Health

Hi, there, peeps!  We're now into month 2 of Operation Awesomepants, and I haven't yet stated or begun to track October's resolutions.  Oops!  Let's get started now and call it even, shall we?

This month's goals all relate to health - amplifying it, maintaining it, and enjoying it.  This was always going to be one of the 12 months of Operation Awesomepants, but it was launched to ASAP status after a series of tension headaches last month left me hobbled for days.  Good health is one of those things you don't really appreciate until it's compromised, and I discovered that immediately and painfully last month.  So, in the service of happiness, awesomeness, and the ability to move my head without wanting to vomit from the pain, October became Healthtober.

Part of the reason I was shirking the introduction of this month's goals is because some of them relate to losing weight, a practice that I have both personal and philosophical problems with.  Personally, losing weight and counting calories triggers the living shit out of my OCD and makes it hard for me to think about anything else besides numbers in (calories), numbers out (exercise), and numbers on the scale.  Philosophically, I question our culture's preoccupation with body size as a measure of overall health and am loath to participate in it.  But, frankly, it's time to try to remove some of this burden from my bones.  I'm slightly built, weigh more than is comfortable to carry around, and have a huge rack, all of which I think are contributing to my headaches, which reliably start in my upper back, then move up my neck and lodge firmly behind my eyeballs.  So, structurally, losing weight can possibly help improve my health and, therefore, my life.  I don't like it, but I'm going to do it and see whether I can heal myself.

In addition to the discrete goal of seeking medical help for my headaches, this month's resolutions are as follows:

1.  Keep a food journal.

I'm already doing this with The Morah via a shared Google document.  So far, so good.  If it's too embarrassing or too much hassle to write something down, then I shouldn't ingest it.  Plus, I do a lot of unconscious eating during the day (bites of Livy's snacks, eating dinner with her at 4:30 and then eating more later when SLB comes home).  The food log is useful not so much for calorie counting, which makes me crazy anyway, but rather in just keeping me conscious of what I'm stuffing in my face.  Business schools like to remind us that we can't manage what we don't measure, and, even if these aren't strict measurements, they're helping me manage my food intake already.

2.  Plan meals and snacks in advance.

If the carrots are peeled and cut the day before, I will eat them.  If I have to peel and cut them a la minute, I will eat a handful of cheddar bunnies.  A few minutes an evening will save lots of emergency snacking the following day.  Done and done.

3.  Exercise with Livy every day that we're together.

Our dance class has proven so enjoyable, that I think it's time to introduce a little purposeful activity into our everyday life together.  I usually exercise at the gym when she's in childcare, or when she's upstairs napping.  It's time to initiate her into the world of intentional movement.  While I'm not going to necessarily tell her to drop and give me 20, we can do yoga videos together, have dance parties, and go for longer and more challenging walks.  Even if she just watches me lift weights or flail about on the floor doing core work, she's learning something about how to take care of her body later in her life.  Hopefully she will be more graceful and attractive about it than I am, but either way it'll be a good experience to share with her.

4.  Daily weigh-in and documentation in my day planner.

I've been doing this already, and it keeps me aware of the goal of seeing that number go down without making me too crazy.

So, in the name of good health, happiness, and awesomepants, Salud!