Money can't buy you love, but it sure as hell can buy you distraction. When I'm sad, I shop. When I'm sad and preparing to be in Uncle Damon and Auntie Katie's wedding in September, I shop for knee-length black dresses.
Thoughts? Recommendations? Join me on this journey through little black dresses, won't you?
First up, sassy one-shouldered Grecian thingie:
Pros: The banded waist nurtures the illusion that I have any variation in my measurements whatsoever, and asymmetry makes me happy.
Cons: Can this thing really stand up to the ol' Circus Tits? I think I know who'll win this battle, and it's not the dress.
Next, by the same designer (actually, all of these are Maggy London), a festive sarong dress:
Pros: Again, this little number will give me the waist and hips that God didn't, and the straps are wide enough to possibly accommodate a real bra.
Cons: I can't really think of any. That's a good sign.
Finally, we have what I am loving referring to as the Joan Holloway little black dress:
Pros: IT'S A JOAN HOLLOWAY DRESS. What more do I really need to say? Plus, it looks as if it can accommodate a real bra, and the asymmetry both makes me happy and detracts from my sad waistlessness.
Cons: I can't quite tell how it fits. It's a bit loose on the model, and it'd certainly be a lot tighter on me if only so that I could emphasize the bootyliciousness of the dress and my ample hiney. The back of the dress runs the real risk of exposing the dreaded back rolls if I wear a real bra with it, which would be obvious to everyone since I'm last in line on the bride's side and will be likely be standing with my back to the guests for the whole ceremony. I don't mind being the chubby bridesmaid, but DAMN I don't need strangers having intimate knowledge of the quantity and quality of my back fat. So, it's worth trying on, but I'll be a brave girl if it's less flattering on my body than it is in my mind.
There you go! Weigh in, fashionistas!